(Previously in Swedish on this webbsite 2014)

The older I get; the more important cemeteries have become to me. I was recently at one and visited a close relative’s gravesite. Ideally, I want to walk around the graves, alone, and think about life and death. All my little everyday worries are diminished when I realize that I too will be buried there soon. What I have done and not have done in my life will then be completely irrelevant. I’ll be one of those people who finished their life. I´ll to become a name on a tombstone. A former living man who was the center of the universe, just like any other ex-living person buried in the graveyard and I realize that it doesn’t really matter what I do with the rest of my life, it’s going to end sooner or later.

But this existential feeling I get when I am reading on the tombstones and thinking about how these former living people have lived their life, fades away when I leave the cemetery and is replaced with a frustrating feeling that I am not using my time optimally. I don’t feel dissatisfied with my life so far, but I should make use of the rest of it better. But I can’t think of what I want to do, and this is the frustrating part. As the days go by, the seasons changes, and the time is running out; all I do is to think and waiting. What I think keeps me from really try to find what I want to do is that I deep down don’t believe in my own mortality. And I don’t think any of us really do. We believe that we have all the time in the world and therefore also have all the time in the world to think and waiting.

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